He uses pillows to masturbate.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
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Do I have a choice?
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Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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