Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
