Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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