I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
