I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
