first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
