well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Randomize
