i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
ugly people sure do ruin things
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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