You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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