So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
