I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize