We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
