Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I am one with the molecules
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
