im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
