Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
