I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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