So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
