apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
