dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
