see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
