Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
