last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize