I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
