It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
