I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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