I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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