Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
