Define "chronic" masturbator.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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