Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
