i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm at about main and main street
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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