I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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