i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Randomize
