I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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