the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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