I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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