I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
