Kiss
Puke
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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