my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
