it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
It's never too late to be topless.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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