i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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