seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize