Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
