Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
