If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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