I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I intend to get homeless drunk
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
