i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Randomize
