I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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