He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Be still, my beating vagina.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
