I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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