I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
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