it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
