i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I wish you could order shots online.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
