Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
