And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
