I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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