new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
