Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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